i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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