This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My vagina is officially offended.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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