I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
