I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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