Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
