Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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