I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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