He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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