it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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