Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize