I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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