Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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