You smell like a Billy Joel song
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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