I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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