...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
