I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
