she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
