Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
