Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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