First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
