Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
