there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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