I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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