So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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