He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
