ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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