guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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