my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
