I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
