how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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