I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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