She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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