And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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