i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
