maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
