you turned your livingroom into a bong?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
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