She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize