watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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