I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
