Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
