Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Randomize
