My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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