hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
