Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
