Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i think i have two assholes
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
