my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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