You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
