god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
