Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
