i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
