I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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