I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
