I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
