And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize