Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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