he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
