The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We talked him into tasing himself.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We are all done wearing pants today
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
