someone get that fucking seahorse.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
