I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
