Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize