Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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