I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
