Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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